Bat shit is driving me bat shit crazy.

Pretty little berries that the bats just can't resist.

The park next door is home to some lovely trees, the biggest and most shadeful are the Moreton Bay Fig trees, which Zig loves to climb and I have spent many many hours sitting beneath, enjoying the sway of the branches and the cool breeze which nearly always finds its way there.

Twice a year however, the trees find it necessary to grow little berries which sadly the fucking local bat colony just can't resist.

These bats are a source of great tension. Some people reckon they are lovely and should be allowed to carry on anywhere any time and others of us want the damn things GONE.

There are not too many natural predators to keep the bat numbers down.

Pretty much any carnivore will eat bats if they can catch them, that is why bats spend all day hiding in caves, hollow logs and so forth. Any bat that ventures out in daytime will be eaten within minutes.

The list of predtaors includes all the usual suspects such as cats, dogs, snakes, racoons, hawks, shrikes and so forth but also includes almost any carnivore you can imagine. I've seen bats being eaten by crocodiles, spiders, other bats and, as kawaii holwingwolves aid, by frogs. Bats ae incredibly small animals and are weak even for their size making them prey for almost anything at all that can catch them.

I couldn't think of any, so that is what I found. Hmmm:

• Cats - yep there are a few of them, but not too many in the tree and I am yet to see one fly.
• Dogs - yep plenty in the Dog park, but not at night and really most of 'em are just too stupid to put together a hunting plan.
• Snakes - not seen one thank god.
• Racoons - not here.
• Hawks - possibly
• Shrikes - ??
• Crocodiles - Farkkkk. I know we are careful of the bull sharks but now this is ridiculous.

Anyway you get the idea. I just don't see how the bat numbers are effectively moderated in the suburbs.

And if all they did was squark away at night, well I probably wouldn't care all that much. But they feast on the Fig Fruit and then shit everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. In bat shit season, it is not safe to wander across the park at dusk cos you might get squirted with barely digested figs. They have some sort of sonar which allows them to fly at speed and never crash into anything and they use the side of the house and the fence as their guide. And yep you guessed it, they shit all of the fence and the house.

It's hard to believe but this is all bat shit and most of today's load has already been blown off the seat.

The little picnic table right under one of the trees is very well used, ordinarily. But at the moment you have to arm yourself with a shovel to scrape of the big gunk and 4 litres of water and a scrubbing brush to clean up the rest.

It's only worth doing if you want to spend the afternoon there, and as darkness descends, you just know that their arseholes will be flappy again and the table will be a mess again in the morning.

I am very very pleased that it is not a mulberry tree, cos I reckon getting that purple colour gone might be impossible. At least this shit is yellow and doesn't stain too badly.

It is no secret that I am not a good greenie. I argue that I did my duty in breeding an excellent one. I don't always recycle, but my recycle bin is nearly always correctly loaded. I have no problem killing a bug, especially cockroaches or spiders and have been seen cheering wildly as Steve corrals grasshoppers or birds. So no I am not a greenie.

Therefore I would like it if the council would stop hiding behind the conservationist ticket and get rid of the bloody pests. I reckon they do nothing, not cos they want to protect the filthy things, but because it is just bloody cheaper. Doing nothing is always the councils preferred method. It costs nothing, but they can still employ all those paper shufflers, cos someone needs to answer the phones and tell you NO.

We are so lucky - I don't think. There have been 2 berry seasons this summer and whilst I am enjoying watching my lillypillies burst again in the garden, I would have been happy with one go for the bats in the park.

Ugly little fuckers aren't they. Anyone want to come and Pied Pipper them outta here?