Monday, 3 August 2015

How Lady Like are you?

I wonder how many people I could knock out with that hat?

A lovely woman I know in London posted this on Facie today.

Here's the quiz. It's like all those quizzes, probably full of shit, but it's quick and silly if you fancy having a go, to check how refined you are. Me? I was like molasses, not even golden syrup. I know women who are like raw sugar and castor sugar and even a couple who are icing sugar, but as it turns out, I am just a chunk of raw cane.

I answered the questions as honestly as possible even though I had to sometimes pick the 'best fit' answer, because really once or twice there was no right answer.

Anyway I got a paltry 10%!!

I know ladies don't use the F word and never ever the C word, but shit, how far down the road do you need to be to be a 10% er?

I am now scratching my armpit and plaiting my nose hair and hacking up a goolie as I contemplate this abject failure.

Ladies are graceful and dainty with every hair in perfect alignment. The suck it, fry it, sand it off, industries thrive on Ladies.

You can take a Lady anywhere, without fear of embarrassment or humiliation, and if you want someone to advise about table etiquette then a Lady's your gal. She will always have a lippy in her handie and said handie will be occasion specific and shoe appropriate.

All her bits will be in the proper place and she will smile beatifically through the most banal bullshit and will never disgrace herself by calling a spade a shovel. She will be perfectly turned out in every situation and has the wonderful knack of making  people feel at ease and important.

Yep, if this is a reasonable account of a lady, well it's no surprise that I got a stinky 10%.  A potty mouth is something of an understatement about my gob, and my favourite moment of every day is when I get to set the girls loose and shove the hateful bra down the back of the couch. I do occasionally venture out in public with 'em swinging free, but I am aware that this is frowned on behaviour, so  I need to be in the middle of a really big, 'don't give a shit fest' to go out and purposely scare the neighbours.

I am far more interested in being comfortable than being acceptable.

I do know a bit about table manners but actually don't give a shit if someone uses the wrong fork, and it is not a hangable offence to use paper serviettes or in deed a few squares of kitchen paper - better than the back of your sleeve I reckon. I've been know to rest my elbows on the table and in wild days past, more than just my elbows if you get my drift.

I look at ladies with awe, and wonder how they keep it all together, and why they keep it all together, and would love to be there when they forget to keep it all together.

Are you a little lady or a lout?

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