Saturday, 8 August 2015

Do you fart in the morning?

This is a silly old joke but it has kept me thinking today.

The BRAIN SAID - "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss." THE FEET SAID - "Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss." THE EYES SAID - "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I should be boss." THE HANDS SAID - "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss." And the heart, lungs, and ears all say the same thing. Finally, the asshole spoke up and demanded to be boss. All the other laughed and laughed to think of an asshole being boss. The asshole was so angered that he balked and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet were too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, and the heart and lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss, and so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out Shit. 

Then there is supposed to be some pithy comment about Bosses, But I like Bosses so I deleted that bit, but not my bum.

I know ladies aren't supposed to fart or talk about blowing off,  or notice when someone lets off a stinker, but as a result of my dismal results in the LADY survey, it should surprise no-one that, as it's on my mind today, that's what I am gonna chat about here.

Dog has taken to jumping into bed in wee hours probably cos it's been delightfully chilly. She snuggles up close and steals the covers and uses my feet as a pillow. Yeh, it's a 69er with Dog, so not as lovely as those languid late sunday mornings without children or the madness of any other time. But she is down the bum end and her arse is firing off right in my face.

I noticed this morning that a lot of farting was going on....her's are filthy stinkers and mine are surprisingly, rather lady-like silent and not smelly. or at least with my head on the right side of the covers, that's how it appears to me. She is blissfully unaware of the cloud she is creating.

Now as I am going away in a few weeks, I'm not the least bit interested in the well-meaning advice of doctor types who might be about to recommend that I book in for a hose-pipe up the bum investigation. If there is anything untoward going on, well it'll just have to wait til I get back. I am gonna pack up my windy end and fart all the way to London.

It made me wonder this morning if in deed the bowel is the very first part of every body to awaken, and the blowing is it's way of letting everything else know, it's time to get going, not literally you understand, just get up and moving and on with the day. Dog does seem to be very keen to get out of the house in the mornings and at the risk of sounding like some sort of canine voyeur, I have noticed that she does head straight out for her  favourite bit of grass.

So, I not really interested in ALL the nasty details of what goes on in your bed in the AM hours, I just wondered if people, mostly fart in the morning?

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