Steve was just going about his normal crap this morning and he noticed a couple of ants, so he knocked them aside and kept o going, until they knocked out fuckers were replaced by a bloody battalion marching towards him with clear intent to get back at him for clobbering their mates. He opened the drawer where they seemed to be assembling and there, amongst all the usual kitchen cooking utensils, along with other assorted shit I have been meaning to toss out for about a lifetime, were hundreds and bloody hundreds of the little fuckers.
This was a plague of biblical proportions, some would say rather fitting for a Sunday.
Now I am not afraid of ants but they do give me the creepy shits. They are so small and fast and clever and fucking organised. If Year 9 kids were as clever or organised, they could take over the world and then we'd all be in trouble.
And so started a day of ant annihilation. Every time either of us entered the killing zone, we would arm ourselves with soggy paper towels, and go the big swipe. They are not hard to kill, and they sure do not like being slapped about with a watery sponge or rag. But the sheer weight of numbers was becoming overwhelming.
I emptied the drawers and Steve thought it time to sweep up some builder's dust left over from when the kitchen was installed, no not last week, but about 7 years ago. Everything has been through the disher and I have stuck Ant Baits up around the kitchen. No they do not look pretty. No I cannot pretend they are some sort of modern sculpture.
I have sprinkled some Ant sandy shit outside near the window they seem to be using as their main entrance and now I am hoping for the best.
It seems to be a pesty sort of season what with the caterpillars last week and some small grasshoppers which have eaten up all my basil. But the pests that I had hoped would be my friend, the very ones that I forked out good money for and carried home carefully, well these bloody pests or snails actually are yet to even put the slightest dent in the algae situation in the pond.
Bloody unreliable pests.
Oh dear Steve has become 'The Ant Hunter' and is now spending time stalking the fuckers, cos there remains a few doggedly determined critters which seem to be getting all sorts of perverse pleasure out of teasing him.
How long will it take for the Ant Baits to work?
Where the hell did all these fellas come from?
Haven't I done well not to have a melt down about the grasshoppers!