Thursday, 10 November 2016

Bum Squrit



A cartoon man's fart ignites into a rocket blast.

Years ago I traveled by train from London to Edinburgh. I like going places on the train. It's not closed in, you can get up and walk around, very often there is a little kiosk where you can get a cuppa or something harder if you fancy and if you can go the distance without fronting up to the communal loos then you can avoid any of that sort of unpleasant human stinky interaction. Except that on this trip, the train was pretty crowded, in fact there were no spare seats and unfortunately the bloke in front of us must have had a heavy night on the grog, with a curry chaser, cos what was falling out of his bum was RANCID in the extreme. How it was only air born and not a solid is a testament to the wonder of the human body and perhaps the tightness of his underpants. My sister and I were disgusted, and she utter that immortal line that has stayed with me all these years, 'If you can smell it, it's too late cos it's already on ya.' 

We came home by plane cos she just couldn't face the prospect of another stinky arse. 

There is a production, 'NUDE LIVE' in the Sydney Festival, and the spiel is something about Art and Dance colliding and the image is quite a beautiful shot of naked bodies entwined in front of some Romanesque sort of fountain cave thing, perhaps it is Greek...yeh I am a philistine.

Anyway for at least one of their performances, they are insisting that the whole audience is naked! If you want to go, you need to do it sans outer ware. Be warned that if you book for MONDAY 23 JANUARY, you will need to leave your duds behind.

There was quite a lot of discussion on social media about how people were gonna get there and if they arrived clothed then what were they gonna do with their bits and pieces while they were watching the show. 

My concern was about the bum squirt on the seats.  

Just OOOOHH YUK.

And not only for the cleaners, but what about the poor unsuspecting folk who arrive at the theatre for the next performance. Oooohhhh YUKKITY YUKKITY yuk yuk. Surely there would need to be a health warning placed clearly on all of the seats?

And the cynic in me wondered if the show is shit, so to counter that, it was decided to make the audience concentrate on something else, like making 'em wonder about the dangle of all their bits, instead of the performance, and nut cases like me could spend time considering contagious diseases.

I wonder who decided that adding audience nakidity to the mix, was gonna enhance the appeal of the show. 

I went to a live sex show in Amsterdam once. Blessed be I was permitted to keep my clothes on. You bought a ticket and it entitled you to 2 'free' beers. The live sex was all a bit limp and the scenarios were replayed on a loop, and seriously after about the first 2 minutes I was bored to death and so watched the audience instead. That was not interesting either, but the bloody tickets were so expensive that I was going nowhere til I had finished my 2 beers.

I wonder how much time will be spent audience watching instead of NUDE LIVE watching.

I have pondered all this today in a bid to keep my mind from the actual FUCK KNOWS question about the American election results.

I reckon a bit of bum squirt might well be the least of all our worries come January.