Monday, 22 June 2015

Parenthood Preparation 101 WOOF!

Dibley Dog and her mate Sam.

It seems that as a general rule people just pop out babies willy nilly and wonder after the fact how they are gonna manage.

Oh sure some people wait til they can afford children - I don't know what that means really, since the expenditure of nervous energy and wondering must be hard to value and save up for., but mostly I reckon people haven't got a clue what they are in for, and when they front up for number 2 or 3 or 8 well they figure it is all just more of the same and that is just bollocks.

If people were really keen to find out and prepare for the patter of feet they could do worse than get a dog and have a little practice.

It's no secret that our Dibley Dog is one very spoilt miss. She gets just about whatever she wants when she wants it and is the stuff of our great consideration prior to doing just about anything. Can we go away for the weekend? Can we go out for a leisurely meal?  Can we take her on holidays? Is this cafe Dog friendly.

Resting her weary head on her pillow.

She lives a pretty charmed life. So if you are gonna use a dog to test out your readiness to breed people, you'd best treat that dog like a real life child. There would be no point in tying dog up to a post and periodically throwing food out and thinking you have come close to test driving a little person. 

You need to clean up after them and house them and sometimes clothe them. You need to take the time to love 'em even when you are stressed or frantically busy. You need to feed 'em and discipline 'em and teach 'em and play with 'em and again love 'em, even when they have chewed up your favourite shoes or shat in the middle of the carpet. They will be naughty and wilful and disobedient and practice unsafe sex in the back of cars, but you must not stop loving 'em. And if you can manage all that then perhaps you are ready for a child.

We are test driving a 2 child household for a few days and the dynamic change is pretty intense. Our 'only child' has been joined by her very best friend and even though they have known each other almost their whole lives, there is still some sorting out to do when they are together 24 / 7. There are jealousies to overcome and sharing to suck up. And anyone who says that having 2 is as easy as having 1 well either they are delusional or just plain bloody liars.

2 dogs playing in the lounge room. Yep takes up more than twice as much room as 1.

Playing rough house or Tickle me Tickle me.

Everything - food, cuddles, ball throws, treaties, chattering, time with toys, every tiny bit of attention, needs to be carefully evenly distributed. People from families with more than 1 kid know too well the ruthless attention to detail required to share out that last bit of cordial or wedge of cake. If I call Dog, Sam comes too and there is some jealousy if one gets more cooing than the other.

Steve would tell you that cleaning up the shit for 2 is far more than 1. Yep that's right, it's twice as much. There were various little piles all over the grass so I reckon if you're considering making a move from 1 to 2 kids then be prepared to put in another loo and double the paper purchases.

I hesitate to suggest that a government legislates more crap to control our lives, god knows they already far outreach their duty in my opinion, but maybe they could make it law that prior to breeding, people have let's say, 2 year's practice on a dog, and if that works out well then child popping out would be ok.

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