Google+ .....Online dating

No I am not thinking of kicking the Pom into touch, I mean where else would I find someone to collect up the dog shit and make make me a yummo roast, remembering to wash his hands between times, as well as keeping my credit card bills in check and loving my family and putting up with all the gore and bullshit of any usual day...yeh without being too saccharine slopping, he's a bit of a keeper.

But if I did find myself single and looking, I reckon I would run a bloody mile from anyone contacting me via Google+.

Lately I have had a number messages from blokes wanting to keep in contact, stating some bullshit story about how beautiful I am, and how much they would enjoy getting to know me better.

Well I usually just delete 'em without even looking.

They remind me of those stories about Nigerian Princes.

Sometimes I fancy playing along just to see how long it takes 'em to put their hand out for cash, but seriously life is just too fucking short for that sort of wasted effort and time.

I know that trawling the online dating sites is the way to go these days, but I am such a cynic that I can't see me playing along, and it's not cos I haven't ever done the blind dating thing.

Back in the day when desperate and dateless men and women would post ads in the Courier Mail on a Saturday, I would from time to time have a look and dial in the code and leave a voice message and my phone number.

Yep I met some very odd men.

Always in a public place, never giving away my address, it seemed pretty harmless to slap on a bit of lippy and a clean dress and grab a coffee on an afternoon when my girl was with her father. I suppose there is always a risk that your date might be a psycho and so I guess I was lucky, that they were just boring or ugly or liars or married or union reps or really smelly.

It would all too often be an exercise in, ' Can I bugger off politely in less than 15 minutes?' and once bitten it would take a while to once again open the paper.

But these Google+ contacts are a little confronting, cos there is nothing on my profile that indicates I am on the hunt for a fella, and so the idea that these men are trawling through literally thousands and thousands of profiles and leaving a gizillion inane little messages is a bit creepy.

I suppose they are playing the odds.  

Maybe they have worked out that they need to leave 400 messages for women of a certain age, before they find one sad lonely gal who's defenses are down, who might be good for a fine fleecing.

I am not at all sure how people of any age get to meet up with prospective partners, but I hope that the old plan of going to the pub and having drinks and dancing like a maniac and swapping phone numbers might not be dead and buried. It's got to at least be as reliable as swiping through pictures and profiles.

Shit I am sooo pleased that I am not on the hunt.

Crock Pots

A lifetime ago when I was a baby getting married, I received a Crock Pot as a wedding present. It was a big ugly brown and orange thing perhaps in keeping with the late 70's colour palate. As a girl of 19 I rather thought it looked like something 'old folk' might use.

It stayed in the box for a good long time until I saw the error of my ways and dragged it out and made dinner after dinner in it.

I'd get up and chuck all manner of cheap shit in it. Cheap meats, and cheap seasonal veg and if we were lucky the last squirt from a flagon of red or white wine, the colour was not all that important cos I was not a wine snob, I judged the vino by percentage not taste. So after I shoveled all this into it, I'd turn it on and walk away, off to work or Uni and by the time I got home hours later, there was dinner all set to go and we'd just plunge right on in. It just left time for the more important stuff that newly weds got up to.

We were on a tight budget. I was still at Uni and he was working for a big Telco, well back then, the ONLY telco and so we'd put money aside and go meat shopping at the bulk butcher once every couple of months. You had to buy A LOT of meat from the bulk fellas, but per kilo it was sooo much cheaper.

The Crock Pot was an excellent way of dealing with all those strange cuts of meat left over in the bottom of the freezer after you have picked out all the good bits from the half a cow you bought on sale and stacked into plastic bags and labelled ( who am I kidding, I never labelled anything) and popped into the chest freezer.

I can remember doing the maths, per meal to make sure the cow came in under budget. It was always cool to see how the expense of the T-Bones or the filet steak could be offset against tail or toenails or other strange parts, but then you had to get creative about how to cook these weird frozen baggies.

Once the Crock Pot had been unveiled and worked out, those off cuts were no longer a problem.

Anyway my old Crock Pot went the way of my marriage and I haven't really given it much of a thought since, except last week when I was at Bell's I remembered it and started telling her of all the possibilities. She might enjoy cooking more than I do, but she still doesn't want to spend too much time agonising over what to dish up for the 2 of them. I suggested a Crock Pot idea and she jumped at it.

Turns out we had both been wondering about a pressure cooker, but are too scaredy-cat to try one. I see all those pictures of people who have burnt themselves on flash cooking equipment and figure that could easily be me, and the idea that a pressure cooker could just explode really scares the shit out of me, so they are a no go for me, or so it seems for Bell.

Anyway while Stevie and I were out and about we stumbled across....wait for it...a Crock Pot. Now there are slow cookers and temperature controlled frying pans and of course ceramic things that go in the oven, but when I saw the actual CROCK POT name, I thought it must be a sign from the cooking fairies and we snaveled one up for Bell, maybe we should have got 2.

So now I am gonna deliver it up to her on Tuesday and to make it really useful, I should probably take the makings for a dinner, stuff that is cheap and cheerful but that might after slow hours in the Crock, be tasty and delicious.

Oh shit, I am starting to sound like a Masterchef judge.

As the weather seems to have finally turned, it's the right sort of dinner for dark cold nights.

I hope she gets as much use out of it as I did my old ugly one.

And as another nod to the old fashioned, I am gonna try making a meat loaf tonight. Fingers crossed.

Really Urban

It's more than a little 'Burbesque' here at the big house. No that's not a typo and I didn't mean burlesque and pole dancing and the like, I mean typical of life in the burbs. Everyone knows each other and there is the constant exchange of gossip and the old, 'Wink wink nudge nudge say no more' is the stuff of raised eyebrows and knowing glances and pointing fingers. The morning stroll to the village shops for coffee is quite the social time.

There's the girls in the park running their lovely dogs, or more honestly there's more walking and trudging going on than running and often there are exchanges of a very personal nature. Good fortune of Lotto wins and the sadness of family members' demise are spilled and discussed. The sunshine seems to encourage this familiarity between otherwise strangers.

And then we are over to the cafe for a natter and a sit down. There are dog biscuits courtesy of the kind lady in the Newsagency who sadly lost her own 'best friend' very recently, and if Dog is very lucky there is a pile of left over bacon and sausages carefully scarped off the plates. She does go looking for her orange plastic plate, and this morning put on quite a display as she caught her titbits as Stevie pitched 'em into the air. The regulars were happy with the silly entertainment.

There are a gaggle of folk who pop in every day or every other day and we smile and nod. It's a calm comfortable, quiet place where the coffee is excellent, and the changing parade of people, predictable.

But today, URBAN reared it's obvious and interesting head. As we walked home we noticed an unmoving LEG stuck out on one of the concrete and paved areas.

I looked and wondered if CSI was needed.

It didn't move.

I went over and stopped a ways away. It was not just a leg, it was the whole of a body, lying face down. I couldn't tell if there was any breathing going on. I looked for quite a while and the stillness worried me, a lot!

I bent closer and could still not see any movement.

Then I called out, 'Hey mate are you ok?'

Nothing.

Then like a cartoon coming to life the fella rolled over. He got a bit of a shock, I got a bit of a shock. He looked up at me with a crooked toothless smile, rolled over onto his back and said,'I'm just having a sleep in the sunshine out of the wind.'

I apologised for interrupting him and then left him to it.

From time to time there is a homeless fella in the park. He pushes his trolley with all his worldly possessions and makes a little bed out of one of the benches. He doesn't do any harm and we exchange hellos. When it's been raining and his gear is more than a little damp he moves into the rotunda and hangs it out trying to dry it up before packing it back into his trolley. Then he moves on somewhere else. He seems happy enough.

I mention these fellas only because they remind me of URBAN life.

And today when we got back from doing a few silly 'messages' to use my Nanna's old expression, there was this walloping barge thing parked up in the canal.

I am hoping that it manages to go undamaged over the weekend cos it's the weekends when we become the urban terminus for the kids in their zupped up speeding dinghies.

I do like it when we are more urban than suburban.

'Kiss Bang Love'

What the very fuck is going on? Is this why Aussie actors head overseas to find work cos this is the sort of shit that qualifies as entertainment on local tellie?

Some bird, wearing a bandanna over her eyes, snogs a dozen blokes and then picks her best 5 and then, well then, really who the fuck cares, cos I am back thinking about swapping spit with a dozen strangers, one after the other and am feeling just a little sorry for the poor sod who stumps up for soggy seconds and thirds and ninths. OOOOH YUK! I think I might have just thrown up a little in my mouth - lucky I am not kissing any of 'em huh?

Is there mouth wash between pashes?

Do all the fellas have to be clean shaven or is pash rash just an occupational hazard?

Is she contracted to go at it for a minimum time frame, even if the guy is just a stinking bit of filth?

Why did she not get to kiss any women?

I'll happily admit that I might have, in my younger years, stuck my tongue in places that would have been better left unexplored, but I do seem to recall that any woman, spied snogging more than a couple of blokes in one drunken pub outing,  was generally labeled 'slut', 'harlot', 'slag'... yeh I am sure you get the idea.

And the very premise that a good kiss - (what the fuck is that anyway?) is an indication of true love, is so seriously flawed. PLEEEEEAAAASSE! what a load of crapolla.

Is it any wonder that acting and writing and directing talent all head away. While this is where the networks spend their money there is no budget for actual gripping entertainment.

UK TV and re-runs of MASH are so far superior, and really there is room for improvement there too.

But it's possible that I am just out of touch and that this shit has become a staple in the tellie watching diet of most Aussies. And if that's the case, well fair enough I guess, I just have to suck it up and swallow my spit cos the majority are getting what they want.

But if, like me, you are fed up with this shit, then maybe you would like to voice your objections to the Networks. Maybe we could all boycott what ever products are being touted in these time slots and maybe, just maybe, the Networks could go back to employing talented Aussies, instead of just waving them a fond farewell.

Are you a joiner-inner?

I reckon that just as the face crinkles and the boobs sag and the desire to be polite to dickheads wanes, our personality matures and makes adjustments for time and place.

I was a better joiner-inner when I was younger, or that's what I initially reckoned when I sat down to write, but on reflection, just now, I realise that perhaps I have always been a bit of a loner.

I remember like yesterday - what a strange expression huh? cos yesterday is a bit of a blur if I am honest, going to a party when I was 16 or 17, my last year of school anyway. Drugs were a pretty big deal when I was a girl. The locker room was the place to score what ever you wanted, and as my locker was low to the ground and as I was far too lazy to be dragging books around, I was in there changing over books A LOT! Cash and 'stuff' changed hands above me and I was generally agile enough not to jump up mid deal and do a header with the stash. I didn't care what other folk were doing so long as they left me alone to snog the boy of the moment.

But back to the party. Malcom was there and he was well known for being connected. And there was a large number of teens completely out to it, and again I didn't care. It made conversation difficult but so did the music. Instead I watched. A game quickly emerged. Mal would chat up some girlie and slip some shit into her drink, and then all the 'in crowd' giggled, like I suppose, the school girls they were.

There were more than enough hallucinations to fill a Stephen King novel. I found the whole thing disturbing so I spent my time on my own sitting on the front fence smoking - cigarettes. This and my brother's friends launching themselves off the roof of the house fueled by magic mushrooms, really coloured my attitude to drug use. I was appalled at the way nearly everyone found it so amusing that young girls were being drugged, even some of the girls themselves.

I found myself alone.

I was quite the enigma at school, clever and loud and opinionated and brave and sporty and sometimes stupid. I didn't crave the attention of others or their approval. I just floated along and was very lucky in deed that I had a couple of flotsam mates to bump into, as and when we chose to. The 3 of us were an unlikely combo that no-one could work out and we just didn't give a shit.

I was only today, chatting about Kate, one third of the musketeers. I wonder why we lost track of each other.

It's strange how people come and go from our lives.

On Saturday, we went off to a birthday party for a girlfriend I have known for a very long time. She had invited only a handful of people, even though she knows hundreds of folk who would have happily celebrated with her. We knew a couple of folk, but the others were new to us.

We had a terrific time! The conversation ebbed and flowed along with the laughter and the dancing and the singing and the drinking and launching of flying things off the balcony into the night.

I might be more of a joiner-inner now than I thought.

Do you enjoy sticking your hand out and meeting new folk?
Are you remarkably changed from your teenage self?

It's been a good week.

10 lovely things that have happened this week. No I am not going all mushie and new age on your arses... but it has been a good one.

1. The Autumn sunsets have been bloody jaw droppingly beautiful. Stevie was working in his study and I called him to have a look and we both stood there and watched as the colours morphed and then dried away to darkness. 3 days in a row I have been lucky enough to be vertical for this show.

2. The Shingles have almost left the building! Yep yesterday was the first day for almost a month I have been able to wear a bra, not that I find the shitful things exciting, it's just that with a bra on, I have more choice about what to wear...no more agonising about how obvious it is to the world that this old gal has left 'em swinging in the breeze, and it also meant that I was able to pop some Bio Oil onto the rashy scar mess and and that has felt a lot better. Be gone you fucking Shingles!!

3. I left the house for what seems like the first time in a long time. We popped down to Byron Bay. It's always a pleasant drive, especially as Stevie does the driving. We take Dog and have a mooch around. Yesterday we spent up big on a couple of new flags for the pontoon cos the old ones are just faded rags. Yep, 2 hours driving for 20 bucks worth of flags. I am sure they are available closer, but I just don't know where.

4. Even though we drove to the new location for my blood specialist, after I had suffered the bouncing of a previous reccie so I wouldn't get lost, and found that they hadn't moved in yet and then we had to pay for the fucking parking and then drive back to the old place, we still made it on time!! and I didn't go nutso at the new secretary for not informing me that they hadn't moved anytime during the last 4 communications.... seriously all she needed to say in any one of those conversations was, 'Oh by the way we are still at the old place.' They were meant to have moved in April. BUT STILL WE WERE ON TIME!

5. My scores are in and I am pleased to say that I am on 1.2.... That means sort of 1.2% of my white cells are still mutant. When I started there were 54% of the weird little fuckers so that is some good progress. For those of you mathematically minded, work this one out.... it is possible to have a score of more than 100%. Yeh I can't get my head around that either but then I have never pretended to be a numbers genius.

6. I have a parcel for my friend's birthday, that I am very pleased about... Tomorrow will be the litmus test, but for mow I am happy.

7. I have attempted to dye my hair a bright purple today. In fact I am sitting here with the sploodge still doing it's best while wrapped in Glad Wrap and a towel. I can't remember the last time I might have attempted this myself, but the mood grabbed me and I was never gonna be able to get an appointment at this late hour so what the hell. It's falling out anyway so if it is truly shitful, it won't be forever.

8. I have a new dress to wear to a party tomorrow night. Yippee! And I feel like I might be able to be vertical for the event! Earlier in the week I was not at all sure I was gonna make it. So bring on the candles!!

9. The weather has turned, finally and so all week I have had a little coverlet on the bed. Yeh it's still warm during the day, but it is soo lovely to not have to wonder whether a fan or the air con is necessary to sleep. The nights close in so quickly that it seems reasonable to expect a bit of a chill in the air and this week I have not been disappointed.

10. Tracey came by and did my ironing and even though the basket is, let's face it almost never fucking empty, it sure took the pressure off. She sent me a text thanking me for allowing her to do it and asking if I wanted her again would it be ok if she brought her own iron... Maybe that's why I hate it... my iron is fucked? Really I think she might have just been touting for more work, but it was still a surprise and a pretty way of going about it.

So all up it's been a good one!

See what happens when I set my mind on NOT whinging...Fucking amazing what you can come up with really.

Please let me know the best of your week.

Relax...Ah

Dog is an excellent Relaxer.

She climbs up onto any damn couch she likes and doesn't give a rats' arse if she is wet or dirty, she plops herself down and is out to it in seconds.

I have spent a ridiculous amount of time on the couch lately and she just bloody loves that. She climbs up over the top of me and snuggles in and does not move until it's time to eat or shit or bark at something or someone outside. If I have the temerity to move, cos I have to pee, or drink or take drugs, well she doesn't really care, cos she just stretches out and takes up as much room as she can. If I want to get back on the couch, then there is quite a lot of shoving and pushing and moaning - mine not hers. Sometimes I need to turf her off altogether so I can make some room and then she just pops back up and is out to it again in a heartbeat. Lucky sod.

But I admit that I have given myself permission to have a bit of a relax while I am shingling about. The washing has mounted up and only today I have attacked the growing mountain of 'infected towels' Food has been a bit of a 'who gives a shit' issue, and unless the shower has been loudly shouting at me, I have managed to ignore it too. Yesterday, I think for the first time in my life, I turned a piece of clothing inside out, cos I fancied a clean side next to my skin and there was not another singlet in the drawer...now that's a minging little admission huh?

We are both running out of clothes and the ironing basket is growing like a bacteria in a warm environment, and so yesterday when by a fabulous bit of serendipity, I spied a flier from Julie who is looking for cleaning work,( ironing was in the small print) I thought all my christmases had come at once.

I called her and she is coming tomorrow to tackle that ugly sucker.

Yippee!

Except that I am not at all sure what I should do with myself while she slaves away. 

That is not a relaxing thought.

But the idea that the mountain will be morphed into a neat hanging lot certainly is.

So Yippee again. Come on down Julie.