Do you fart in the morning?

This is a silly old joke but it has kept me thinking today.

The BRAIN SAID - "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss." THE FEET SAID - "Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss." THE EYES SAID - "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I should be boss." THE HANDS SAID - "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss." And the heart, lungs, and ears all say the same thing. Finally, the asshole spoke up and demanded to be boss. All the other laughed and laughed to think of an asshole being boss. The asshole was so angered that he balked and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet were too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, and the heart and lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss, and so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out Shit. 

Then there is supposed to be some pithy comment about Bosses, But I like Bosses so I deleted that bit, but not my bum.

I know ladies aren't supposed to fart or talk about blowing off,  or notice when someone lets off a stinker, but as a result of my dismal results in the LADY survey, it should surprise no-one that, as it's on my mind today, that's what I am gonna chat about here.

Dog has taken to jumping into bed in wee hours probably cos it's been delightfully chilly. She snuggles up close and steals the covers and uses my feet as a pillow. Yeh, it's a 69er with Dog, so not as lovely as those languid late sunday mornings without children or the madness of any other time. But she is down the bum end and her arse is firing off right in my face.

I noticed this morning that a lot of farting was going on....her's are filthy stinkers and mine are surprisingly, rather lady-like silent and not smelly. or at least with my head on the right side of the covers, that's how it appears to me. She is blissfully unaware of the cloud she is creating.

Now as I am going away in a few weeks, I'm not the least bit interested in the well-meaning advice of doctor types who might be about to recommend that I book in for a hose-pipe up the bum investigation. If there is anything untoward going on, well it'll just have to wait til I get back. I am gonna pack up my windy end and fart all the way to London.

It made me wonder this morning if in deed the bowel is the very first part of every body to awaken, and the blowing is it's way of letting everything else know, it's time to get going, not literally you understand, just get up and moving and on with the day. Dog does seem to be very keen to get out of the house in the mornings and at the risk of sounding like some sort of canine voyeur, I have noticed that she does head straight out for her  favourite bit of grass.

So, I not really interested in ALL the nasty details of what goes on in your bed in the AM hours, I just wondered if people, mostly fart in the morning?

Loyalty at what price?

There can be little doubt that if a place offers good service they are far more likely to retain their customers.

The Chemist in the Village has always been pretty good. Kelly is happy to have a look at lumps and bumps so long as it is not necessary to remove any clothes to get at 'em - yours not hers - she's a professional after all. And if she reckons there is something amiss then she will give best advice and sell you some salve or other and send you on your way.

A while back Stevie had a sore knee which I admit didn't generate a lot of sympathy from me, being the princess of the shit knees,  but his carry on got tedious so we took off and asked Kelly the Chemist. She barely touched it and went into a bit of a spasm cos there was a great big infection going on and even though we had no prescription we left with some top dog antibiotics and the number of an afterhours doctor who would pop out for nothing and issue the requisite paperwork. Suffice to say I felt like a bit of a shit head for my lack of sympathy. The Doctor came and agreed with Kelly's diagnosis and wrote the script which was promptly delivered so all the government boxes could be ticked. For those of you who are worried, Steve's knee is fine though I will admit that it took much longer than I had expected and I imagine that it was definitely sorer than I gave credit for, but that's cos I am a cow.

Yep, anyone would be bloody pleased with this service.

Except that a while back a woman I know told me that this chemist charges almost twice the price of the chemist around the corner for medicine stuff. I wondered about it for a while and then forgot.

Until today.

In a bid to start getting sorted for London, I gathered up all the 'justincase' scripts and the normal shit and took it all over. Kelly wasn't there and the place was heaving. Coffee was calling so it was all left in their capable hands and I went back later to collect the stuff. Some of it was they bagged up and some was on back order and the bloke tried to give me the wrong brand and it was all a bit of a debacle, but I splashed the plastic, paid for the lot, and carried half a load home, agreeing to pop back later for the rest.

Then I remembered the warning of the higher prices and when I got home I rang another chemist to get a price check. And bugger me if the stuff was in deed twice the price! I was 'not happy Jan'.

I tootled back to the village and rather than make a scene I spoke softly to the bloke, away from the other customers and told him that I had got comparative prices from the next closest chemist. He took my list and my handwritten notes and then, just to make sure that I was not a big fat liar, he rang to confirm the prices! I was not best pleased. He came back and agreed to charge me the same and so refunded the difference which was OK, except that then I began doing the math in my head - which is a painful exercise and something that I had decided was not going to happen ever again after I turned 40, and I turned a very unattractive puce colour cos the overcharging amounted to a very big bunch of wonga over the years.

We had well and truly paid for every bit of service and then some.

I guess if all had gone smoothly today I wouldn't have recalled the 'price war warning' but as things were pretty shit, I did remember, and unusually acted on it.

So now I am in a quandary. Do I suck it up and pay the ridiculous premium for the fine Kelly service, and the convenience of it being next to the coffee shop we are at everyday? Or do I take my business elsewhere?

I am undecided.

 

Do you have local shops which offer terrific service? Why not give 'em a shout out.
Is service more important than comparable pricing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Names and my poor memory.

Are you good with people's names? I am just shit. You'd think that being a teacher for all those years, and being presented every year with 200 new faces, that I would have found a fool-proof way of remembering 'em all, but sadly that just wasn't the case.

There are all sorts of tricks, like noticing something about the new face and connecting it to the name, like maybe Peter with the pointy nose, or Georgina with the ginger hair. I'll admit that from time to time the links were not all that complimentary but happily I didn't say it out loud and often the mean things were the most effective. If I didn't learn 'em in the first couple of weeks, well I just didn't ever learn 'em and so there were a lot of loves, honeys, sweethearts, and under the breath turdies from time to time.

Anyway, I am now still shit at names.

If I am lucky when, by çdstealth or blind luck, I find out a name that I should already know, I am on my own, I can walk away like some crazy person repeating the name and making up some silly rhyme. This happened this week but I can't describe the circumstances cos then the person would know that even after 5 years I didn't know their name. But the cue for me is now something to do with Christmas and pressies so perhaps I will remember it now?

I think that I don't pay attention to names cos I am more interested in what people are saying and I have a good memory for faces and information, so I might say, ' Oh, over there that's um...oh, that the girl who thinks it's ok to leave her dog's shit for me to stand in cos it's good for the grass.' Yeh there are people like this and they are happy to say it out loud, so that's more memorable than a name. And then there's the bloke, ummm, nope the name's gone, but that's him, yeh he's the one who has really bad breath and unfortunately insists on giving a little cheek peck hello - back away now.

It'd be more complimentary to be remembered for something you've said or done rather than just for your name - just saying.

Spelling Bee tellie - poor bloody kids

The promos for this child abuse have been playing for a couple of weeks and I have found them so cringe worthy that I have needed to ferret out the remote and switch to another shit channel where the upset is other than children.

I just do not see what is in it for the kids. They will have been touted up to some shitful audition and I presume made to sit through some written spelling test and then some execs will have pondered over how photogenic they are, and how adorable or hate-mongering they are and then they will be tarted up to the max with clothes and makeup and forced to stand in a spotlight with music and people shouting and their parents standing in the wings while difficult words are chucked at them.

So for every kid who faces up to the cameras, there must be hundreds who have failed the smart / cute / ratings worthy tests. I feel for them. Can you imagine the drive home with these poor kids feeling like shit as their pushy parents suffer through the humiliation of having had their kids fail on such a public stage....and this is the drive home of the kids who didn't even make onto the tellie. What must it be like for the kids who mis-spell something on the national stage?

It's just cheap shit TV.

I hope not a soul watches it, although no doubt Ma and Pa of the winner will be telling everyone at the old people's home to tune in. I guess the losers will be less enthusiastically followed.

Don't you think we put our kids through enough bullshit?

Putting kids up for public humiliation that will live on in their memories is akin to abuse.

I went on tellie when I was a kid, and told a joke.
'What's red and round and goes up and down?     A plum in a lift.'
I won a dressing table set with a blue brush and comb and mirror. I was about 9 I think. I remember it like it was yesterday. It's a happy memory cos I was a winner.

The poor losers will not, I fear, have such a Cherry Ripe moment, and if at some point down the line CSI are called in to investigate the death of an oldie who's been found choked to death on a dictionary, well let's just say that I won't be surprised.

 

 

 

How Lady Like are you?

 

I wonder how many people I could knock out with that hat?

A lovely woman I know in London posted this on Facie today.

http://quizdoo.com/how-ladylike-are-you/

Here's the quiz. It's like all those quizzes, probably full of shit, but it's quick and silly if you fancy having a go, to check how refined you are. Me? I was like molasses, not even golden syrup. I know women who are like raw sugar and castor sugar and even a couple who are icing sugar, but as it turns out, I am just a chunk of raw cane.

I answered the questions as honestly as possible even though I had to sometimes pick the 'best fit' answer, because really once or twice there was no right answer.

Anyway I got a paltry 10%!!

I know ladies don't use the F word and never ever the C word, but shit, how far down the road do you need to be to be a 10% er?

I am now scratching my armpit and plaiting my nose hair and hacking up a goolie as I contemplate this abject failure.

Ladies are graceful and dainty with every hair in perfect alignment. The suck it, fry it, sand it off, industries thrive on Ladies.

You can take a Lady anywhere, without fear of embarrassment or humiliation, and if you want someone to advise about table etiquette then a Lady's your gal. She will always have a lippy in her handie and said handie will be occasion specific and shoe appropriate.

All her bits will be in the proper place and she will smile beatifically through the most banal bullshit and will never disgrace herself by calling a spade a shovel. She will be perfectly turned out in every situation and has the wonderful knack of making  people feel at ease and important.

Yep, if this is a reasonable account of a lady, well it's no surprise that I got a stinky 10%.  A potty mouth is something of an understatement about my gob, and my favourite moment of every day is when I get to set the girls loose and shove the hateful bra down the back of the couch. I do occasionally venture out in public with 'em swinging free, but I am aware that this is frowned on behaviour, so  I need to be in the middle of a really big, 'don't give a shit fest' to go out and purposely scare the neighbours.

I am far more interested in being comfortable than being acceptable.

I do know a bit about table manners but actually don't give a shit if someone uses the wrong fork, and it is not a hangable offence to use paper serviettes or in deed a few squares of kitchen paper - better than the back of your sleeve I reckon. I've been know to rest my elbows on the table and in wild days past, more than just my elbows if you get my drift.

I look at ladies with awe, and wonder how they keep it all together, and why they keep it all together, and would love to be there when they forget to keep it all together.

Are you a little lady or a lout?

Dog and House sitters.

As we are off in a few weeks, it was time to bite then bullet and find people to love Dog while we are away and this time we wanted people to stay in the house, so Dog is in her own environment.

Last time was a nightmare. I found a family on Gumtree and we met them and were ok with leaving Dog there. We parted with large chunks of wonga and even though they had pulled a last minute swifty with an address change, we dropped off our lovely girl, only to be devastated by a whole bunch of crazy mean nastiness topped with a good dollop of greed and fraud, all delivered via text in the middle of the night to my London bed.

Thank heavens for Nikki and Susan and Yorke, who stepped up and rescued our girl and loved her til we got back. This rescue might well have been one of the kindest gestures I have every witnessed. 6 months is a long time to love another's dog and then hand her back but that's exactly what happened. And in the mean time we had fraudsters renting the big house treating it like shit and finally as they were moving out they nicked stuff and patchworked the colours on the walls. That little drama took months for the courts to sort.

So it's been 3 years since we needed someone else to love Dog.

We were nervous. We wanted people to move into the house and be home most of the time to just cuddle and love her.

We joined a House sitters site and I sent out invitations to various people - mostly retired couples who sounded like they'd be good.

We were being fussy, but after the debacle last time I don't reckon anyone would blame us.

And we stumbled upon John and Jan who were gonna be at the Goldie for a few months helping out their daughter and the more we heard the more the whole thing sounded perfect. We chatted and agreed. The whole arrangement is a fingers crossed barter - they pay no rent and they don't charge us for caring for Dog and the house is occupied. Winner winner chicken dinners all round.

We met the J's today and reckon we are all a good match. They played with Dog and seemed to be instantly drawn to her - how could any normal person not be? Yeh I know some people are not doggie folk but if they were pretending then they did a damn fine job of it.

I mean how unlucky would we need to be to be on the shit end of a swindle 2 out of 2 times?  

Fingers crossed we get home to a happy dog and a house full of furniture.

Do you love a SALE?

This is not a sponsored post, I just happened upon the MYER sale today and it was a serious aerobic and strength work out. I am bloody exhausted but smiling like a maniac.

I was gonna sew up a dress for the wedding we are off to in  a few weeks but I priced the fabric and thought I should have a look at the racks, before I participate in the crap shoot that home sewing can be.

And as I felt up to the mall madness this morning, I pulled on easy to take off stuff and headed out.

I do love a sale.

And today MYER is having a big one.

There were subtle little nondescript signs that needed close inspection, partly because I am blind and partly because it was hard to believe. You know the usual crappola fine print in the sales...discounts off full price items only etc but this was 50% off THE ALREADY DISCOUNTED PRICE! So some of the prices were right out of the 70s.

So let's have a little look huh?

Last year during one of my bargain frenzies at the second hand shops, I bought this denim coat ( the one on the left) for $35. I thought it was a good deal, even if it had been worn before, it wasn't worn out. Now the sleeves are only 3/4 length which is a bit odd but I liked it anyway and I have worn it now for 2 winters, such is the warm days here on the Goldie. But when I spied the one on the right with full length sleeves I thought maybe this would be London useful and guess what, brand new it was $22!

Now there can be no doubt that Myer is still making a bit of a profit at even $22, so in the end, really I just don't want to buy stuff at full wack.

I splashed the plastic and bought a dozen bits that I like a lot. Or at least I liked 'em in the change rooms where I have long believed there are skinnypretty mirrors and flattering lighting. I will throw 'em on for Stevie later and see how that goes. Some of the bounty is bound to be going back, but I reckon my suitcase will be pleased for a couple of new bits.

I believe there are sales on in every department at Myer, but I just couldn't carry any more bags, I mean there has to be moderation in everything including exercise.